Harry Potter Star Wars Style
by Amellys
Summary: Voldemort is trying to save his precious horcruxes from Harry and he finds something that will forever change the course of the war. Read on your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

This is just a crazy story that my friend and I started on one rainy (or maybe it was sunny...) day and kinda worked on it in our free time.

Dislaimer: Some of it belongs to George Lucas and some to JK Rowling

* * *

"Stupefy!" Ginny yelled pointing her wand at the nearest masked Death Eater. She did not have time to see if her spell hit its mark as she twirled around sending another curse on a Death Eater that was approaching from behind. He was tall and muscular, with dark red hair that distinctly reminded Ginny of her own family, but she told herself that this was no time to be sentimental as the attacking Death Eater countered her spell with a Cruciatus making her jump to the side. She quickly shoot a Stupefy at him hoping he would not counter it, but before her spell reached its mark, the Death Eater fell backwards and Ginny could see a smiling Dean Thomas behind him right before her spell that was meant for the Death Eater hit him. Oh well, one less stalker, she thought before she run off to help Hermione who was fighting two Death Eaters at once.

She was just about to hex the taller of the two, female or so they seemed, Death Eaters next to Hermione when everything froze under some kind of curse. Ginny could only stare with her eyes wide opened as Voldemort and Harry were about to duel each other. Yet she was not afraid for her faith in The Chosen One was too strong- she knew that Harry would win.

"Harry Potter, I am your father." Voldemort bellowed before their duel began.

"Wait… What?" Harry, and probably everyone else in the room stared at the two with shock clearly visible in their eyes. 'Haha,' Ginny laughed bitterly in her head, 'Who would think that Voldie had a sense of humor? Especially Muggle humor'

"Harry, I said that I am your father." Voldemort snorted at Harry's confusion.

"What the hell, Tom?" The Boy Who Kept Not Dieing inquired with one eyebrow slightly raised, "My father was James Potter. You know the guy you killed right before you killed my mom and then yourself. That was really stupid by the way…"

"No, Harry. You see I have a thing for redheads." The Dark Lord replied looking over to Ginny with a smirk on his snake-like face, "And I think it does run in the family."

"What are you on, Voldie?" Harry asked, not changing his facial expression. He knew that Lord Voldemort was mentally impaired, but he had no idea that it was this bad.

"Gosh, boy are you deaf or something? I am your fucking father. Gee." Voldemort seemed to be annoyed by his son's rejection.

"So if you are my father, you wanted to kill your own son?" Harry had no idea what led Voldemort to this sort of a conclusion, but he decided that might as well play along for the time being.

"Let me explain from the beginning, shall we?" he asked conjuring two comfy looking armchairs and sitting down.

"Ok." Harry decided to listen at least to buy some time and rest.

"See, I liked your mother ever since I met her in Hogsmeade once by an accident. She was an incredibly hot witch." Voldie said and seemed to space out with a dreamy look on his face.

"Ahem." Harry coughed, bringing his 'father' back to reality.

"Right." Voldie snapped back, "So I asked her three times to go out with me, but she defied me Thrice…"

"It's like the prophecy about us!" Harry exclaimed.

"Good job…" Voldie said sardonically, "Took you a while. Anyways, the fourth time she said yes, and we had this kind of fling for a few months. And no Bella, I was not a virgin." The Dark Lord smirked at Bellatrix who was giving him a very dirty look at the moment.

"What?" Harry was having a hard time catching on, "You and Bella? But I thought she was with the guy she married…"

"Gosh, she cheated alright?" Voldie said, seemingly annoyed now, "I was bored. Sorry, got side-tracked again. Where were we?"

"You were fucking around with my mother." Harry replied in a bored voice, "Wait, you bastard, you fucked around with my mother." He tried to attack Voldemort who lazily countered the jinx.

"Yeah, you just said that. Now stop the wand play and listen."

"Fine, I can just kill you later."

"Yup." Voldemort smiled, "So at one point we had a fight and she ran to her best friend, James Potter. A month after they got married. She told me she never loved me and that the baby was his as well."

"And?"

"Well, I went into a killing rage and killed everything around me, and then I tracked down your step father…"

"So what makes you think you are my real father?"

"Your mother left me a letter that I found only couple days ago with one of my precious, um, horcruxes." Voldemort threw a small piece of paper at Harry who caught and skimmed through it.

"I believe your Mudblood friend wants you to read it out loud, son." Voldemort said with an untouched expression on his snake-like face.

"How would you know?" Harry raised his eyebrows looking back at Hermione.

"Well, I am very good at Legillimacy. Unlike you."

"Oh, right." Harry nodded before reading the note out loud:

_Dear Tom (or Voldie-Boldie),_

_I cannot lie you anymore… I never loved James as more than a friend and occasional fuck buddy, but now that we are expecting a child… I simply had to tell you. Remember all the times we spent together? Well, I don't know how to put this… you are going to be a father! I know it might be hard to believe, but our son is going to continue your hard work of conquering the world some day. You probably think that I am lieing and that I do love Potter, but that's impossible. The baby to be born is ours, and ours only and I will divorce Potter as soon as possible._

_With all the love I posses_

_Lily and the Baby_

"So you are sure that I am your son?" Harry asked in a casual tone.

"Yea, I mean it's kind of cool that I have a kid, ya know?" Voldie smiled giving Harry a hearty hug.

"Oh… father…" Harry started crying hugging the evil wizard back.

"I know, Harry, I know." Voldie joined his descendent patting his back while the Order, Ministry and Death Eaters stared at them.

"Will you rule world with me, Harry?" Voldemort asked breaking the silence.

"Of course, father." Harry laughed back as Voldemort kissed his forehead.

"Good."

"This is so Star Wars…"

"I know…"

"You watch Star Wars?"

"Um, a little."

"What's your favorite episode?"

"Attack of the Clones, yours?"

"Mine too! Didn't you think that those light-saber affects were sweet?"

"Hell yeah, but we are off topic again."

"Right. So did mom like not mind the whole taking-over-the-world business? And can I have cool red eyes like yours?"

"Well, Lily knew I was very ambitious, and she never exactly minded when I mentioned that she would rule the world alongside with me." Voldemort replied, "But, but, red eyes are my trade mark!"

"I see… But I want red eyes, daddy!" Harry stamped his foot, glaring at Voldemort.

"You can rule England… or USA…"

"I WANT RED EYES!"

"…"

"NOW"

"Fine! Stop yelling." Voldemort said as Harry glared at him, "Let's apparate and then we will work out something." He took Harry's hand in his and they disappeared with a loud pop.

The frozen scene came back to life. The Order and the Death Eaters stared at each other in puzzlement, neither breaking the silence after this rather unexpected revelation about their leaders.

"Well, that was interesting." Cornelius Fudge was the first one to break the silence, as he sat up and straightened his hat.

"What do we do now?" a lazy voice said that sounded as if it belonged to Lucius Malfoy.

"Um, I think we should just all take a break and try to comprehend what just happened. We can fight later…" Ron suggested looking kind of shaken by the sudden chain of events.

"That's a great idea!" Hermione smiled at her fiancé and apparated out with a loud pop.

"Yeah, let's do that." The rest of the fighters agreed apparating or flooing out of Room of Requirements where the Final Battle was taking place.


	2. Chapter 2

yeah, soz that it took us so long to update, but umm... we weren't sure if we were gonna continue this or not lol.

* * *

The frozen scene came back to life. The Order and the Death Eaters stared at each other in puzzlement, neither breaking the silence after this rather unexpected revelation about their leaders.

"Well, that was interesting." Cornelius Fudge was the first one to break the silence, as he sat up and straightened his hat.

"What do we do now?" a lazy voice said that sounded as if it belonged to Lucius Malfoy.

"Um, I think we should just all take a break and try to comprehend what just happened. We can fight later…" Ron suggested looking kind of shaken by the sudden turn of events.

"That's a great idea!" Hermione smiled at her fiancé approvingly.

"Yeah, let's do that." The rest of the fighters agreed apparating or flooing out of Room of Requirements where the Final Battle was taking place.

Even though Lord Voldemort took off the freezing charm when he Disapparated with Harry, Ginny stood frozen in the same place as before when Draco Malfoy the Ferret approached her.

"Are you ok?" he asked guardedly, and Ginny slowly looked at him. In her mind there was something wrong with that situation, but she could not quite put her finger on it. And then she remembered; it was Draco Malfoy who asked the question.

"Are you ok?" she countered weakly.

"What do you mean?"

"Uh… you asked me if I was ok." Ginny said slowly as if she was explaining that two and two is equal to four to a five year old.

"Yeah." And then he got it, "Look, Potter is the Dark Lord's son, my father wore auburn dress robes and declared that electriricicity is a good thing. The whole world has gone crazy." Ginny blinked couple times before answering his words.

"What?" she looked over at the older Malfoy who was standing by a fireplace excitingly chatting with her father, "Right." She closed her eyes for a few seconds before opening them again, "I will not ponder over metaphysical questions about what's going on. So how are you Malfoy?"

"I think that we are going to have to adjust a lot during the following months…" Malfoy mentioned as a 'by-the-way', putting an arm around Ginny's shoulders.

"I've always wanted a ferret." Ginny said with a smile, but before she could continue, they were interrupted by Hermione and Ron's rather loud argument.

"There is no way Voldemort is Harry's father!" Ron yelled.

"But he said he is!" Hermione yelled back.

"He is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"You are like my mother!"

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"And some things never change…" Ginny broke in. "Look, you two, we could always genetically test Hermione and Harry."

"Hermione and Harry?" the couple questioned with similar looks of miscomprehension on their faces.

"Whether Hermione is in any way related to the Prewetts or Weasleys, or Mrs. Weasley in general, and whether Harry really is Voldemort's son." Draco put in for Ginny, clearly following her idea.

"Now, let's go see the Dark Lord and Harry. Maybe they figured out the whole war thing." Ginny suggested, while Hermione and Ron were bickering about who would apparate first.

When they apparated to Voldiekink's World, as the Dark Lord's new home in Siberia was called, they saw lot of snow.

"Why is it in Siberia?" Ron inquired, quivering.

"It's a connection to his supposed cold personality." Draco answered. "But in reality, he enjoys Shakespeare by hearth fire. And going clubbing of course. If he really took over the world, he would turn it into one huge Pimp World."

"I am c-cold." Ginny said through clenched teeth, with her arms around her.

"I can think of few ways to warm you up." Draco said, coming closer to her with a seductive expression on his face.

"Guys! We need to find out whether Voldie and Harry figured out the whole war business yet." Hermione said in a business-like fashion, while Ginny and Draco looked disappointedly at each other.

"Fine," Draco said with a glare, and touched his Dark Mark to reveal a huge lime-green mansion with a big snake made of plaster on top of it.

"What can I say?" Draco shrugged slowly. "He is a big fun of Salazar Slytherin."

"But, lime green? Wasn't it supposed to be dark green?" Ron asked as they slowly approached the gate that was decorated with newts.

"Well, no. In his deep research, Voldie came across a parchment that stated that Sally's favorite colour was not dark green as everyone thought, but lime green. And so we had to repaint the mansion- the muggle way."

"Sally?" Ginny asked, and Draco held the door open for them.

"His nickname. Surprisingly, the muggle name 'Sally' comes from Salazar's nickname." Draco explained.

"Dark Lord?" the Death Eater yell out as they passed through a big hall that was, like the rest of the house, lime green.

"In here." Was the reply, and the quarto entered into a lime green study.

They could see a dark, mahogany desk and Voldemort sitting behind it. Harry was sitting in a chair across from him, and they were intently staring at each other.

"Um, what's going on?" Ginny asked slowly, not wanting to disrupt some dangerous magic that might have been going on.

"We are still on the issue of red eyes." Harry replied without looking away.

"And so we decided to have a staring contest." Voldie added. "Who loses will have to keep their prime eye colour."

"Ah, I see." The quarto said in union as they watched on.

"We tried to tickle each other, but neither would give in." Harry said after a while.

"And a wizarding duel," Voldemort added.

"And a game of riddles," Harry continued much in the fashion of Fred and George.

"We are equally stubborn." Voldemort said. "He gets it from me."

And the wizarding world watched on as Voldemort and Harry dueled in a staring contest for the powerful red glare.


	3. Chapter 3

I thought that this was our best chapter so far... although it's a bit short (sorry).

To all the Snape's fans out there: my friend who is one of the authors is a Snape fan too, and she was hurt most deeply at what happened to the Potions Master (on my request) in this fanfic. plz no hate mail, and read anyway lol

* * *

And the wizarding world watched on as Voldemort and Harry dueled in a staring contest for the powerful red glare.

Hermione, who was standing next to Ron inhaling his scent that was saturated with cologne which was Ax, sweat and something that suspiciously smelled like Mrs. Figg, looked around to see the note that Voldemort found with one of his precious mummies. She picked it up with her recently developed mind powers and brought it to her eyes. She flicked her wand, and surprisingly, a sentence in a small writing that did look like the rest of the note, appeared on the bottom of the parchment. She read it out loud, just to show off her recently acquired reading skills.

"W-w-e-e, We, h-a-ve, have," she paused. "We have…Ron…"

"WE HAVE HAD ANOTHER CHILD, VOLDIKINS!!! I love you too." Voldie and Harry tore their eyes away at the same time, giving each of them one red and one green eye, making them look like Huskies with 3-D glasses. Very scary.

"She said she loved me??" Voldie howled, and Lupin came in.

"Did someone call me?" he inquired in a low growl.

"Um, no." Harry said, giving his step-father's friend a weird look. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I deliver Pizza Hut in Siberia. We are going international." And he gave Harry thumbs up and a big cartoon smile.

"Then why did you ask if somebody called you?" Ginny asked, taking her mouth off of Draco's.

"Well… he howled." Lupin said.

"Sorry about that." Voldie replied.

Harry's gaze drifted over to his ex-girlfriend who was hardly visible under Draco. He stared at them for a while, with an interested expression on his face for a few moments, before his mouth dropped open at the realization:

"Aw that's nice… WAIT!" he shrieked, before he shrugged. "I don't get this."

A dark silence enveloped everybody in the room. 'Poor Harry…' ran through everybody's mind, except for Draco and Ginny's who were too involved in the current activities on the floor, behind Voldie's finger puppet theatre, and involving the puppet of Snape in their activities, seeing as there were no other contraceptive items in the room that they knew about. Voldie looked sideways on Harry, and he raised his eyebrows in pure shock. He just could not understand how his own son could not know.

"Harry, do you still believe in Santa too?" Lupin asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that was disturbed by the interesting noises coming from under the finger puppet theatre.

"Well…" Harry started. "Living with the Dursleys, I never met him, but he could be real…" Voldie slapped his forehead in despair.

"NO HARRY!" Voldie broke from his trance." HE IS NOT REAL!"

"NOOOOOOOOO" Ron wailed, as Ginny and Draco surfaced to breathe and shot him a questioning looks.

"Well, I thought he was real, ok?" Ron said in his defense.

"He is not real." Voldie repeated. "I hate to break this to you, but, but… never mind."

Ron and Harry gave him confused looks.

"It's hard to explain!" Voldie shrieked.

"Draco's killing Ginny, Father!" Harry was staring at Draco and Ginny who were trying to use finger puppet of Umbridge, but it was too short, and so they resulted to Cho Chang, who was unfortunately leaking. "Father, he is going to suffocate her! Look, she is moaning for help!"

"No, Harry!" the snake that was pinned on the wall, said in a grave voice. "They are playing with finger puppets!"

"Are they really, Father?" Harry looked at Voldie with big, innocent puppy eyes.

"Um…" Voldie flushed a bit. "Do you know what happens when a boy-flower likes a girl-flower?"

"Uh…" Harry said hesitantly. "The fairies come?"

"Harry, have you ever had a wet dream? Ever?" Lupin asked, holding his pizza box close.

"What's a wet dream, Father?" Harry turned his eyes back to Voldemort again.

"Harry, you are seventeen in this fanfic. When I was your age, there was not a virgin at Hogwarts." Voldemort growled.

"Well, didn't Dumbledore used to give a lot of extra help back then?" Lupin inquired matter-of-factly.

"I went there only once." Voldemort said squeamishly, turning a nice shade of burgundy. "Now you know why I was afraid of him. Minerva used to go there all the time! That's how she got so good at Transfiguration!" Voldie practically yelled out.

"Spread the love." Lupin said, opening his arms, and letting the pizza drop on the floor. "Shoot, I have to get back to work. The boxes should keep the pizza warm, but nothing works as well as human heat." And he left.

"So what about the boy and girl flowers?" Harry asked, with Ron nodding in support of the question.

"I shall summon Snape to answer all your questions, son." Voldemort said, mentally summoning Snape out of the Hawaiian beach bar where he was enjoying a nice glass of pineapple martini.

"Yes, Master?" Snape said grouchily, still holding onto his martini.

"I need you to explain to my son, Harry, how babies are made." Voldemort said cheerfully, for he was glad that the burden was taken off of his shoulders.

"I HATE YOU POTTER!" Snape screamed, throwing his pineapple martini at Harry, who stared dumbfounded as the martini came flying his way.

Harry stopped in the midair, using the Force and then brought it to his lips that were a sick shade of maroon.

"Hmm... tasty," Harry pronounced, taking a sip from Snape's martini.

Snape turned a nasty shade of pink that reminded one of Umbridge's underwear, as his face contorted in anger and pain.

"Snape, you shall not throw martinis at my son." Voldemort bellowed.

"But, Master…"

"Do your job, Snape."

Voldemort said dangerously, motioning with his snake-like head towards the door, opened ajar, that appeared to his left. Through the opening one could see a big screen TV, porno tapes and candles. Snape gave Voldemort one more horrified look, before the Dark Lord, the apprentice of DD, threw them in, and locked the door securely.

"So did the note say that she loves me?" Voldemort asked with a suggestive smile.

"Um no…" Ron whispered, suddenly finding his shoes very interesting.

"Then why did you say that?" Voldemort sobbed as he brought his hands to his face.

"I sometimes say it." Ron replied with his best cheeky grin, and took a big lollipop out his pocket.

"Can I have a lollipop, Weasley?" Voldemort asked, still sobbing.

"No! My lollipop!" Ron screamed, clutching the lollipop close to his chest. "Don't worry baby, Daddy won't let the evil snake-like man eat you!" he murmured to the lollipop.

"I want the lollipop." Voldie demanded, eyeing Ron suspiciously.

"It's mine." Ron replied.

"I'll give you a butterfly…" Voldemort said as he conjured two big blue butterflies that sat on his shoulders, reminding one of the scene from Disney's Cinderella where the birds and forest animals helped her get dressed.

"…" Ron gave Voldie a cold look.

"Fine," Ron said finally, and he handed the lollipop reluctantly over to the apprentice of DD. The butterflies flew into the air and landed on Ron's shoulder, but unlike Voldie, he did not look like Cinderella- his hair was too short.

"So what does the note say?" Voldie asked, but Ron was too distracted with the butterflies to answer.

"I g-g-g-a-a-ve. I gave," Hermione started, but she was interrupted by Voldemort who snatched the note out of her hands.

"I gave the child to be raised by Muggles. I don't know why, I was high." Voldie read out loud, and he was shockified.

"Then it has to be a Muggle-born!" Voldie said victoriously, seeing the solution to his problem.

"Or it could be a squib…" Hermione said, ignoring Ron's 'follow the butterflies… follow the butterflies' as he chased the blue butterflies around the room.

"Why don't you join Harry and Snape?" Voldemort asked Ron, who smashed into the door to the room where Snape and Harry disappeared, at the contact the door opened and Ron fell through.

"Ron!" Hermione yelled out. "Is he gonna be alright?" she asked Voldie in concern.

"He is your fiancé?" Voldemort answered with a question.

"I didn't know how to say no." Hermione said, shrugging.

"You could have shaken your head- that usually implies 'no'." Voldie said, looking back at the note.

"I couldn't. He was holding me in a headlock. Now back to your children." she said in her most Professor McGonagall way.

"Right," Voldie nodded and then gave her a questioning glance. "Did you go to Dumbledore's 'special' help? You sound a bit like Minerva."

"A couple times…" Hermione said, blushing and pressing her lips into a thin line. "I was lonely, okay!"

"Well…" Voldie raised his eyebrows, but let go of the issue. "So anyways, who is my second child?"

"It says they were twins." Hermione remarked, looking back at the note. She was beaming with pride, for she understood the last sentence 'twins'.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww…" Voldie gave himself a hug, as he thought of the sudden expansion of his family: from mummified Salazar and himself, he acquired two new children of his dear Lily.

"So, logically, the kid would have to be in Harry's grade, assuming that he or she went to Hogwarts."

"Right. So who are the Muggle-borns in your grade?" Voldie asked reluctantly, for he did not enjoy talking to a Mudblood.

"Well, there is Justin Fin-Fletcher and… me." Voldemort now looked at Hermione with much more respect, and dark silence overpowered them once again, but this time it was not interrupted for the activists behind Voldie's finger puppet theatre were deep asleep.

"BLOOD TEST! NOW!" Voldie yelled, snatching Hermione and hauling her through a door that just appeared to his right.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Yes, we take ages to update. I never claimed that we wouldn't. Well, here is an update. So all shall be well.

Disclaimer: belongs to JKR and Lucas' films... w/e

* * *

"I've been kidnapped by a strange, red-eyed man with hunger for power," Hermione stated blankly.

"Yes, you have," Voldemort nodded.

They were in a laboratory, that was equipped with screaming Death Eaters and other things tied to white tables. And there was a needle.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Voldie screamed.

"Any particular reason as to why you went all CapsLock on me?" Hermione asked with her disinterest obvious in her voice.

"What is it doing in here? GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!" Voldemort continued to scream.

Yet, nobody reacted to his violent reaction since they were tied to the white tables mentioned earlier. Hermione, seeing the point his troubles, strolled slowly towards the table and picked up the offensive object. And then, she waved in Voldie's face. Voldemort closed his eyes pointedly:

"No! No! No!"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Hermione shook her head in disagreement while agreeing, her bushy hair flying all over the place and suffocating Yaxley who was tied to one of the tables.

"No! No! No!" Voldemort nodded his head affectionately.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Hermione shook her head again like a rock star.

"No! No! No!" the Death Eaters all screamed in agony, for they saw what was coming.

The needle could not take the pressure, and so it shattered in Hermione's hand. Voldemort immediately relaxed.

"Are you seriously afraid of pointy objects?" Hermione asked with disbelief evident on her face.

"Of course not!" Voldemort exclaimed, pointedly looking behind Hermione's shoulder. "Naked Ron!"

"Where?" Hermione hid behind Voldemort.

"Never mind."

While Voldemort and Hermione were thus engaged in the lab, Snape was having an epiphany. He swore loudly and juicily in Samoan. His face turned an ugly shade of pink, that remained one of the color of Dolores Umbridge's underwear, specifically the thong she bought for an office trip with the Minister to Transylvania, but thankfully, never had the occasion to use. Anyways, back to Professor Severus Snape, the Ultimate Ballerina. At the moment, Snape was screaming like a little girl named 'tuney. Ron approached the professor carefully:

"Um, professor, are you feeling alright?"

Snape gave him an empty look as he skidded down in his seat. One word left his paled lips: "Oh, no."

Harry, now slightly alarmed, but still quite distracted by a book titled 'Flying and Sex', turned around. Honestly, he had no clue how flying was related to one's gender, but he assumed that the two people that were kissing on the front cover had something to do with it.

"Professor?" Harry said, intending to ask about the peculiar book. However, Snape raised his eyes to look into Harry's mismatched ones; he glared at one and pleaded to the other. It was not clear to which he pleaded and at which he glared.

"I. Did. Not. Pay. For. The. Martini!" he moaned in despair, tearing his black, oily hair out. Or tried to, anyway. The hair, after many years of successfully avoiding any hair products that might come its way, slipped through Snape's eager fingers. Snape sobbed again.

"Damn it!"

"Well, professor, I am sure that it was not that expensive," Ron said, patting Snape on the shoulder.

Snape's face reflected the internal battle he was waging with himself at the moment. If he was to kill them, he was sure that Voldemort would come down on him, and kill the thing he cared most for in his whole life. No, he could not sacrifice her life. On the second thought, the martini… no, that was against his morals.

Snape seemed to pull himself together, "I, well, get your hands off me, Weasley."

Ron raised his eyebrows in question, "But professor! I always thought we had sort of a connection. We had a moment!"

"We did not have a moment!" Snape replied angrily, shaking Ron's hand off his shoulder.

"Yes, we did! In the Potions classroom! Right at the beginning of my first year!" Ron said.

"No, you had a moment with me!" Harry, finally able to tear his eyes away from the book, proclaimed. "During the start of the year feast! You were looking at me."

"I was not looking at you!" Snape said angrily. "I was um, playing a bewitched Nintendo DS under the table. Those feasts are so boring."

"No, you were looking at me!" Harry was adamant in his claim. "I remember watching a movie about my first year, and it was clear that you were looking at me!"

"Movies are not canon though!" Snape replied angrily. "In the books, you were looking at me!"

"I was not!" Harry returned angrily. "I was looking at Cho Chang."

"Harry, that was book four," Ron corrected him quietly.

"Oh, well, never mind then." Harry looked away in embarrassment.

"So you used to like Cho Chang?" Snape asked, a malicious spark glittering in his eyes.

"No. I mean yes. Her arms were so muscular, and she was such an amazing Quidditch player. Almost as good as Oliver Wood," Harry sighed dreamily.

"THIS IS NOT A SLASH FIC POTTER!" Snape went all CapsLock on them for a minute.

"I am sorry professor," Ron apologized quickly. "He did not mean it like that."

"Yes. Well, here," Snape put on 'School of Cock' and retired from the room, swearing to himself to never be involved in Sex Ed of any kind. He hated kids.

Meanwhile, in the lab, Hermione and Voldemort had their blood finally taken. Voldemort was currently hugging his favorite inflammable woman and watching Bellatrix who was working on the tests to give him the results. Hermione was walking around the Death Eaters, asking them about their life conditions and how they felt.

"I think that you should provide health insurance for your employees," Hermione said nonchalantly to Voldemort who raised his eyebrows.

"Medical benefits are a great help these days," she continued. "I am sure you would attract more people if you had a good health plan for them and their families."

Voldemort was speechless.

"Also, you should raise their pay. Killing Muggles does not provide for their families and livelihoods. It is not fair that they work for you and you barely pay them." Hermione said, folding her arms and staring at Voldemort.

"I gave Lucius Malfoy a fancy sword once," Voldemort pouted, voicing his defense.

"That is not good enough. You need to pay them regularly," Hermione glared at him and pulled out a chart and a brochure about working benefits and human rights. "Read these, they may be helpful."

"Oh my god!" they heard from Bellatrix. "That Mudblood is your daughter, my lord!"

Voldemort and Hermione looked at each other. The moment seemed to freeze as the eyes of a father and a daughter were joined. Hermione blinked:

"I have something in my eye."

"You will be the apple of my eye!" Voldemort said in reply.

"I don't think that it is an apple that is in my eye," Hermione replied, blinking furiously.

"It was just a suggestion," Voldemort shrugged. "We should go and announce the happy news to your brother."

"My lord, shall I be rewarded?" Bellatrix asked, her eyes changing into big, cartoon hearts as they met Voldemort's.

"No." he said flatly and apparated out, holding the blinking Hermione by her hand.

* * *

Liked it? Review. Didn't like it? Review. Or don't. Lol. But we do enjoy getting reviews regardless of what they may be. 


End file.
